25.05.21 [영어/작문] Euclid Space Telescope Images 작문

교정본

I consider the possibility of living on Mars to be the best space discovery ever. We are depleting Earth's resources while consuming many things essential for development. In addition, Earth has been polluted for hundreds of years. It goes without saying that humans will eventually need to find another planet in the cosmos to replace Earth.

Since the fields that space exploration covers are tremendously vast—more than humans can currently imagine—we should invest more money in it. There are still many potential phenomena and discoveries that experts need to explore further.

There are several risks involved in sending humans to space. First, since space does not contain enough oxygen to sustain human life, any unexpected failure of the oxygen supply system can be dangerous. Second, astronauts might become lost in the vastness of space if they lose communication with the team supporting them from Earth. Last but not least, insufficient food supply can be harmful if their mission lasts longer than expected.

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💬 Feedback & Suggestions:
Grammar and phrasing:

“As the sectors that space embraces are tremendously enormous to the extent that humans dare to expect” → simplified and clarified to “Since the fields that space exploration covers are tremendously vast—more than humans can currently imagine.”

“we should invest more money in space exploration.” → kept mostly the same for clarity.

“There still be lots of potential phenomenons and kinds of stuff” → corrected to “There are still many potential phenomena and discoveries” (correct plural and more precise vocabulary).

“that the professionals should figure out more.” → improved to “that experts need to explore further.”

Flow and clarity:

Broke up long and complex sentences into clear and concise ideas.

Tone:

Formal and confident tone appropriate for the topic.

💬 Feedback & Suggestions:
Grammar and phrasing:

“space wouldn’t contain sufficient potion of oxygen” → corrected to “space does not contain enough oxygen” (correct phrase and clarity).

“unexpectedly broken gears supplying oxygen are hazardous” → simplified to “any unexpected failure of the oxygen supply system can be dangerous.”

“there is a possibility that the astronauts wander in unlimited space” → improved to “astronauts might become lost in the vastness of space.”

“lose the connection to people who assist their adventure from Earth” → changed to “lose communication with the team supporting them from Earth.”

“lack of feeding can be harmful” → changed to “insufficient food supply can be harmful.”

“when their flying period is longer than they expect” → changed to “if their mission lasts longer than expected.”

Flow and clarity:

Made the points clearer and more concise for better understanding.

Organized the points logically with transition words.

Tone:

Formal and precise, suitable for explaining risks.

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격식 있게

I believe that the possibility of living on Mars represents one of the most significant achievements in space exploration. As we continue to deplete the Earth's resources and consume essential elements for our development, it is important to consider alternative options. Furthermore, Earth has faced pollution for centuries, highlighting the need for humanity to seek another planet in the universe to serve as a potential replacement for Earth.

Given the extensive scope of space exploration, which extends far beyond current human understanding, it is essential to increase investment in this field. Many potential phenomena and discoveries remain for experts to investigate further.

However, there are several risks associated with sending humans into space. Firstly, the absence of sufficient oxygen in space poses a significant threat; any unexpected malfunction in the oxygen supply system could be perilous. Secondly, astronauts may become lost in the enormity of space if they lose communication with their support team back on Earth. Finally, an inadequate food supply may jeopardize their health if a mission extends beyond its anticipated duration.

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자연스럽게

Living on Mars could be the coolest space discovery ever! Right now, we're using up Earth's resources and eating up things that we really need to grow and develop. Plus, Earth has been getting more and more polluted for hundreds of years. So, it's pretty clear that we might need to find another planet to call home someday.

Space exploration is huge and covers so much more than we can even think of right now, so we should definitely spend more money on it. There are a ton of cool things that scientists still need to check out.

Of course, sending people to space comes with some risks. For one, space doesn’t have enough oxygen for humans, so if something goes wrong with the oxygen supply, it could be really dangerous. Then there's the chance astronauts might get lost out there if they lose contact with their team back on Earth. And let’s not forget if they run low on food; that could be really tough if their mission takes longer than planned!